All my life my
intuition has led me to know that there is never One True Way. This is
especially true with things of a spiritual nature. I was raised
Catholic. And even as a kid, I never felt like Catholicism, nor
Christianity had all the answers - if any (sorry). I remember asking my
parents... "So if someone is a really good person but they don't
believe in Jesus, they don't get to go to Heaven??" That made no sense
at all! If God loves all His children why the hell would He do that to
them?! Luckily, I had open enough parents who said, "Well, some people
think so, but I don't believe that." And so I chose to believe that
God was God and that whatever God you believe will be waiting for you on
The Other Side, will be there. I remember putting this thought on
paper for an assignment in Grade 9 Christian Ethics, and Sr. Junia
scribbled back, "Something either exists or it doesn't!" ... So there!
In university I realized that Christianity doesn't really offer anything at all to its women, and I sought something else, but I had no idea what. Much later, on the Vernal Equinox of '00 I found direction. It was the first day of Spring and the sun was shining brightly outside! My heart sang with delight! I had the day off and itched to do something outdoorsy. So I went outside into the beautiful bright sun! and the biting Saskatchewan cold! Technical "spring" doesn't mean much there and I should have known, but it was so disappointing. So I sat down staring at a blank television. What should I do? What should I do?? My friend Brooke had brought over two books that she had a feeling I may enjoy and they had occupied a bottom corner of the coffee table since that time. But at this time my eye caught them and I thought AH HA! I will read! The book I chose was Scott Cunningham's Wicca: Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. Three short chapters later I realized I was a witch! It all just made so much sense!
My religion of choice - for the first time I had encountered in a religion - told me READ LEARN ABSORB all you can about other religions! See what resonates with you. Respect all gods and goddesses, and honour the one or ones that feel right for you. And I did. And a few years in, I took a Wicca workshop. One of our assignments was to choose a God and tell the rest of the group about it the next time. One guy chose Ganesh. Ganesh: The Hindu elephant head God of beginnings and the remover of obstacles. He said Ganesh will always come through when he is invoked. Ganesh caught my attention, really intrigued me. And it so happened that my group was getting together on the full moon and I really wanted to go. I never usually closed at work but that night I was scheduled to close. I didn't think getting out of a closing shift was going to happen...I had asked Ganesh for help, but never honestly thought he would be able to remove those obstacles. Then lo and behold, one of the girls who usually closed didn't want her day shift and asked me to switch! So my faith in Ganesh grew a little that day.
A couple years later again, I stumble across Lakshmi and Kali! I read about them and Hinduism in general for days straight and then my sister calls and announces to me, "Guess who I've been reading about...???! Kali!" ...Well gee, what are the chances that we discover mutual dedication to a foreign (for lack of a better word) religion, over the same few days?! Since then, Hinduism has held a very special place in my heart, perhaps moreso than Wicca. I have since discovered the name for my sort of belief is Indo-Pagan. :) I like that.
I have gotten lazy though. I have been feeling my spirituality waning, and it has been frustrating. And I have been trying to figure out why. Especially since it started with my return from India. I stayed at the Ashram. I had a wonderful experience, and while I was there I saw myself so dedicated to meditating every day and staying connected. So why have I not? I think I am coming to some realization.
No real Swami will claim to be the only way. They will tell you - if they are pure of heart - that you should follow what resonates with you. (There are many leaders because there are many followers and that is the way it should be - provided we respect each other). They will however say, "Pick one and stick with it and only it." And that's where my problem is...
Reiki resonates with me. But both the Swami who leads Samarpan Meditation, and instructors of the Vipassana meditation retreat I went on in 2005 tell me I should not heal and meditate.
This seems so harsh. I cannot watch people suffer and not help.
When I asked Swamiji why, he sorta laughed and asked me why I would want to create attachments. People can heal themselves. ...And that when we meditate we open ourselves up and absorb subtle energies, and that through healing others we can absorb their negativity.
It makes sense. And even now when I look at his words I see his point. I suppose I shouldn't argue with someone who has reached enlightenment, and I didn't. But I do feel now, that this is what's holding me back. I do not wish to give up Reiki, and both Reiki instructors I have learned from assure me that there is no risk at all. I feel that to be true. As for creating attachments, that is not something I consciously wish to do, but it does hurt me watching others suffer. Being able to help makes me feel better, and helping ease their pain eases my own. It definitely does feed my ego. Which, though that aspect isn't good... is it really so bad when it is win-win?
Why is it when I find a meditation that is working for me Reiki gets in the way? Is this to teach me to follow that as my sole discipline? It has been with me for ten years! Everything else has come and gone. But Swamiji is really important to me too. And I still feel the connection that I engaged three years ago, and strengthened by going to India a year and a half ago, to meet Swamiji and stay at the Ashram....strengthened - in spite of the fact that since then I have not been meditating, or going to group meditation. But still, when I put on the mantra this evening it all felt so right and so wonderful again.
After this exchange with Swamiji, I was very upset and Swamiji's translator, Ujwala was there to listen. She offered, "Whatever you decide about practicing Reiki, Swamiji would never tell you to not meditate." This, as comforting and true as it probably is, didn't come from him. So I still am left in limbo not really sure what to do. And this is all in spite of the fact that I do believe that one should pick and choose what works for them from their spiritual path. But for some reason, this feels different.
In university I realized that Christianity doesn't really offer anything at all to its women, and I sought something else, but I had no idea what. Much later, on the Vernal Equinox of '00 I found direction. It was the first day of Spring and the sun was shining brightly outside! My heart sang with delight! I had the day off and itched to do something outdoorsy. So I went outside into the beautiful bright sun! and the biting Saskatchewan cold! Technical "spring" doesn't mean much there and I should have known, but it was so disappointing. So I sat down staring at a blank television. What should I do? What should I do?? My friend Brooke had brought over two books that she had a feeling I may enjoy and they had occupied a bottom corner of the coffee table since that time. But at this time my eye caught them and I thought AH HA! I will read! The book I chose was Scott Cunningham's Wicca: Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. Three short chapters later I realized I was a witch! It all just made so much sense!
My religion of choice - for the first time I had encountered in a religion - told me READ LEARN ABSORB all you can about other religions! See what resonates with you. Respect all gods and goddesses, and honour the one or ones that feel right for you. And I did. And a few years in, I took a Wicca workshop. One of our assignments was to choose a God and tell the rest of the group about it the next time. One guy chose Ganesh. Ganesh: The Hindu elephant head God of beginnings and the remover of obstacles. He said Ganesh will always come through when he is invoked. Ganesh caught my attention, really intrigued me. And it so happened that my group was getting together on the full moon and I really wanted to go. I never usually closed at work but that night I was scheduled to close. I didn't think getting out of a closing shift was going to happen...I had asked Ganesh for help, but never honestly thought he would be able to remove those obstacles. Then lo and behold, one of the girls who usually closed didn't want her day shift and asked me to switch! So my faith in Ganesh grew a little that day.
A couple years later again, I stumble across Lakshmi and Kali! I read about them and Hinduism in general for days straight and then my sister calls and announces to me, "Guess who I've been reading about...???! Kali!" ...Well gee, what are the chances that we discover mutual dedication to a foreign (for lack of a better word) religion, over the same few days?! Since then, Hinduism has held a very special place in my heart, perhaps moreso than Wicca. I have since discovered the name for my sort of belief is Indo-Pagan. :) I like that.
I have gotten lazy though. I have been feeling my spirituality waning, and it has been frustrating. And I have been trying to figure out why. Especially since it started with my return from India. I stayed at the Ashram. I had a wonderful experience, and while I was there I saw myself so dedicated to meditating every day and staying connected. So why have I not? I think I am coming to some realization.
No real Swami will claim to be the only way. They will tell you - if they are pure of heart - that you should follow what resonates with you. (There are many leaders because there are many followers and that is the way it should be - provided we respect each other). They will however say, "Pick one and stick with it and only it." And that's where my problem is...
Reiki resonates with me. But both the Swami who leads Samarpan Meditation, and instructors of the Vipassana meditation retreat I went on in 2005 tell me I should not heal and meditate.
This seems so harsh. I cannot watch people suffer and not help.
When I asked Swamiji why, he sorta laughed and asked me why I would want to create attachments. People can heal themselves. ...And that when we meditate we open ourselves up and absorb subtle energies, and that through healing others we can absorb their negativity.
It makes sense. And even now when I look at his words I see his point. I suppose I shouldn't argue with someone who has reached enlightenment, and I didn't. But I do feel now, that this is what's holding me back. I do not wish to give up Reiki, and both Reiki instructors I have learned from assure me that there is no risk at all. I feel that to be true. As for creating attachments, that is not something I consciously wish to do, but it does hurt me watching others suffer. Being able to help makes me feel better, and helping ease their pain eases my own. It definitely does feed my ego. Which, though that aspect isn't good... is it really so bad when it is win-win?
Why is it when I find a meditation that is working for me Reiki gets in the way? Is this to teach me to follow that as my sole discipline? It has been with me for ten years! Everything else has come and gone. But Swamiji is really important to me too. And I still feel the connection that I engaged three years ago, and strengthened by going to India a year and a half ago, to meet Swamiji and stay at the Ashram....strengthened - in spite of the fact that since then I have not been meditating, or going to group meditation. But still, when I put on the mantra this evening it all felt so right and so wonderful again.
After this exchange with Swamiji, I was very upset and Swamiji's translator, Ujwala was there to listen. She offered, "Whatever you decide about practicing Reiki, Swamiji would never tell you to not meditate." This, as comforting and true as it probably is, didn't come from him. So I still am left in limbo not really sure what to do. And this is all in spite of the fact that I do believe that one should pick and choose what works for them from their spiritual path. But for some reason, this feels different.
17 March 2009
Update (April 1, 2011)
I have since been practicing Reiki and doing what comes naturally to me, instead of following any particular discipline of meditation.
I appreciate what Swamiji offered to my spiritual development and still highly respect him and his views, I don't feel as connected to the group that practices here locally. But that works, as now I can meditate and heal as I see fit, and follow my own intuition instead. :)
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